At the "Weekend Update" counter, the anchors Colin Jost and Michael Che continued to riff on closing and a BuzzFeed News report that was challenged by the special adviser's office, Robert S. Mueller III.
President Trump, the man who said he would own the closure, clearly does not care about the people who work without payment, who can not afford basic things like food. But why do you care? He's a billionaire who controls all the burgers in the world. Then, after Scrooge McDonald's finished hosting his hamburger orgy, he went on television today and made a new proposal to end the closure. And that proposal was basically: "Give me $ 5.7 billion and I'll give you the Dreamers back".
Yes, I'm on agreement. That speech sucked. First of all, he did not even say hello. He just started talking, as if we were already talking. I found that being rude. Then he said that he will stop half the crime and 90% of the heroine with something called a cue. What you can see is a wall without the whole wall. Do you hear it, Mexico? Good luck trying to decipher this code. What are you going to do, passing drugs and small children through those giant slats? Imagine you are a Coast Guard or TSA or any of the thousands of government employees who are actually blocking the drugs and the crime of entering this country, and you have not been paid in a month. And the president goes on TV – he does not say sorry, he does not even say hello – but instead, it's like, "Hey, what do you think about the cues?"
BuzzFeed published a story that said that Robert Mueller had Trump's evidence that he was committing an impervious crime. But the details were so rough that even Mueller's team had to be like, "Sorry, false news." What disappointment was it? You know how many suburban mothers have had to pick up their group texts to read the family, "We got it !!!" The crazy part is that the White House is now celebrating that Mueller has challenged only this aspect of the investigation, while there is still like another 100 crimes still on the table. If you have been tested for each STD, and your doctor said, "Well, the good news is that you do not have chlamydia", you would not be like "I have nothing more to say, doc – no condoms for this
Listen, BuzzFeed, I think it's great – we all think it's great that you all want to help, but that's not exactly what we need All of you are BuzzFeed, you make memes and lists All have that aunt who has cockroaches and every Thanksgiving, it's like "Hey, you all, what should I bring?" And we're like "Uh, ice. You bring ice, because we do not want to take the raisin from the turkey. "You, BuzzFeed, bring ice," Dr. King once said, "Do not go hunting for waterfalls, please attack the rivers and lakes you're used to." We all have a role … Look, sometimes, children come to me and say, "Michael Che, I have all my news from you." And I say "Do not do it." I bring ice.
Deskside Bit of the Week weekend update